My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
