I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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