My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
