Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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