please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
