No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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