Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
