Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So many bounce houses so little time
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
