This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
