I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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