On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
