Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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