yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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