its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
