Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
