Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
