Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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