a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
