just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
ok first of all what the fuck
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
