if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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