Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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