The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
