hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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