if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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