Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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