i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
