I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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