she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
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So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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