so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
