I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
