I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
