i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
