I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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