Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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