Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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