You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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