I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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