dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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