I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
