Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
