when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
