You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
