how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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