I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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