so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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