Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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