My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
