Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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