you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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