Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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