SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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