I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
