i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
