apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
