I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
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i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.