the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts