I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
