Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
How's work?
Spinning.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
