3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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